Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
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I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
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He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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