I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
