dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
