i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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