I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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