she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
