My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
