you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize