i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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