Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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