its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
