I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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