It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
