Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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