and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
