yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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