Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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