38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
