god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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