you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
