i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
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Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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