haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
