I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.