My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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