I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
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he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
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I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.