The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
YAS. BRING CRAB.