He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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