i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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