god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
