I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
