youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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