You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My feet surprised me
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