i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
