So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
