its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
