he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
