2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
