well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
