Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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