4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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