We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
