Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
