This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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