u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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