I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
as a side note pls kill me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
