How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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