Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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