u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
