If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
