I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
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Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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