Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
