You're my little dorito
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
