I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
