Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
