but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
