This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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