And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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