drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
