You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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