totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
