i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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