apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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